Compromise

Recently it seems that I've forgotten what it's like to negotiate. Mainly because for a little while normal Aspie tactics were working their magic. Phrases developed by Aspie gurus used to diffuse the most upcoming volatile situations were doing exactly what they were supposed to. Then, they weren't. "This subject is closed" was defeated by "Who says it's closed? Why does it need to be closed?" "Let's agree to disagree" was sucker punched in the face by "I don't want to agree to that. I disagree & that would be a lie." Basically, my son is older, wiser & is not falling for this stuff anymore. So after yet another question on why everyone around him "doesn't get it" we had a talk that ended in tears for both of us. I said "I'm going to be blunt. Do you want friends? Is getting your way more important than being nice to your friends or your brothers? Being "right" all the time doesn't mean you're winning anything. What did you win? Son, you beat the dead horse, revive it, then beat it again to the detriment of everyone around you. Including you. People. Can't. Stand. That. I understand that these things are important to YOU but that doesn't mean they're important to us." (Did I mention this coup de gras was over a video game? There is a time for standing up for your beliefs ..& it's not over a world on minecraft.) #trytellingthattoanaspie

Ok, I may have yelled in in exasperation. I may have been fed up & screamed it at him. With tears streaming down his face "It's important to me." Aspie's have this soul crushing issue w/ being "right" & discussing why you're wrong. For. Ever. And. Ever. They are right. Because it's how they feel. And. You. Are. Wrong. Because you don't feel the same way. Because you're thinking is wrong. They cannot see it any other way.  But he HAS TO SEE, has to LEARN, that other people see things differently. Because in the real world your boss, your friends, your teachers will not see everything your way. You could possibly be right..but still someone may see it ANOTHER way. A different way. Not better. Just different. It's so hard for me to sit back & watch him fail at this concept. Because I know what people are thinking when he does this. They think he's a jerk. They think he's selfish. And he's not. All the time. But those are not the 1st words I see when I look at him. I see the young man that prays, the young man that packed me a snack the other day for a trip in case there was nothing gluten free, the boy that does try as hard as he can everyday. And then tries again & again the day after. Never giving up.

Aspergers is tricky. Sometimes it stays back & progress is made. Other times it rears its ugly head in the worst moments possible. And stays. And takes the progress made & crushes it. This is when I get the most mad. I take it personal. Because he has worked hard.  So I researched, read more & we're trying new things. Please don't get me wrong. I LOVE Reid's brain, his quirky thinking & his way of relating to the universe. What I don't like is the aftermath of an Aspie tornado. I do not expect Reid to change, I know that is impossible. But what we've always tried to do is help him "fake it til he makes it" & fit in to social situations by teaching him what Aspergers takes away. Social cues. Because while he knows he's "not normal" he likes his friends & wants to belong. Somewhere. So we're learning compromise. Reid understands this only because BOTH sides give up something. Not just him. So technically you're not losing, or wrong..you've simply compromised.

Below is a great article about Aspergers & is followed by a letter from an older Aspie. I loved the peek into his brain:


http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2010/10/coping-with-adult-aspergers.html

And something funny as well:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiQtKWkIt5o

We love Sheldon Copper!!!!