Siblings of Aspie's

Being the sibling of an Aspie is a tough road. They are put on the back burner often while we deal w/ tantrums, fixations, getting in the car etc. I will never forget the day Reagan made a small statement that knocked the air out of me. I almost cried on the spot. We were dealing w/ another Aspie crisis & I asked if he minded going to another place to eat because Reid can't stand the smell of this place. Reagan had been looking forward to his choice. He raised his beautiful face & said "It's OK Mommy, I knew it wasn't going to happen anyway. I can go another time." He already knew he wasn't going & was used to it. OOPS! Huge parental fail. And he was only 4. I looked at Reid & said "We're going where Reagan wants, it's his turn."

Later I was forced to confront my issues. Reagan did give in a lot because he is so easy going. But I was WRONG to allow it so often. Just because he will doesn't mean he should be the family pushover. From then on no matter what, everyone got their turn. It wasn't easy or fun. Some Aspie's, like Reid, have a sensory issues. Just the smell of a certain place could send Reid into a downward spiral.( I know some of you are thinking why didn't we NOT go anywhere? All I can say is we tried that too..& I don't recommend it.) Siblings get the brunt of their brother or sisters bad behavior, bad moods, tantrums, fixations in one way or the other. They have to listen to it in the car, at home, dinner. If you're not getting any quiet time or peace..guess who else isn't?

So, here is a list of things to help.

Allow the sibling to spend time w/ other family members. They need spoiling & quiet!!

Have a date w/ just that sibling. They get their choice..bonus..you both get a nice, relaxing dinner or lunch.

Teach them the same phrases you use to combat misbehavior from the Aspie. For example "That wasn't nice. A better way to say that is ___." "That topic is closed." "You can be mad but not mean." etc

Make sure they know their sibling has an issue. I can't tell you how many times I've seen families not explain Asperger's to the siblings. This is a must. They need to know there's a reason for this strange behavior.

Foster the relationship between the siblings. Make them a team. One day they will only have each other. There are tons of activities that will help in this area.

Make sure the Aspie sibling isn't the one always giving in. Whether it's a game, a colored cup or movie choices. The need to be validated.

It's HARD to be an Aspie sibling. Schedule family therapy for them if  needed. If you're stressed & the Aspie is also..guess who else may be?

When they deal w/ the sibling appropriately..reward them. It doesn't need to be big or expensive. Praise is awesome.

Family & Friends support

 This is a hard post for me for several reasons. As a parent w/ an Asperger child I often felt uncomfortable around family & friends.  At family gatherings  Reid would cry, tantrum, vomit or want to leave. His sensory overload would start & it was all downhill from there. Normal family functions that are SUPPOSED to be fun were NOT. Birthday parties, Christmas, vacations & other holidays are some of the WORST times for Autistic children. I'll never forget Reid's 1st Birthday. I spent weeks preparing. Everything was going fine until the Birthday song. Everyone started singing & he screamed like someone was burning him alive. Literally. I'm convinced we both have some kind of Birthday party PTSD because neither of us to this day really like them.

I know that our entire family loves Reid. There is no doubt. But had we all communicated early on, family functions would have been way easier for Reid..& us. They are now, of course, but could they always have been? Below is a simple list of typical signs an Aspie is overwhelmed & things you can do to help the child & parents.

When overwhelmed an Aspie may do the following:
Scream, cry, tantrum, stimming (spinning, rocking back & forth, or shaking hands) run away or hide, lay on floor & kick, try to leave, bang head on wall or hit the wall. Of course there are others but these are pretty basic.

What you can do:

1. BEFORE the child comes over have a QUIET place already designated. (your bedroom, guest bedroom etc.) Let the parents know you've done this so they have an escape plan in case the child tantrums. Reid's Aunt & Uncle (Thanks Stacey & Scott) allowed him to go in their bedroom & watch  TV or play his video games. This was AWESOME!!
2. If you know their favorite activity (Lego's, video games, puzzles) have it ready to go for them when they arrive & show them. My brothers know Reid likes to pay games so they are usually ready to go when we arrive.
3. If the child starts to tantrum or lose control please REFRAIN from judgment or parenting advice. The parents are already stressed & it's like throwing gas on a fire. Calmly walk away to give privacy. If you can't, try your best to ignore the child's behavior. The parent sees or hears it & is probably already working on it.
4. Ask about food sensitivities. Reid had severe food & sensory issues. If  a specific dish is being served ask the parent if the child can eat it. If not they'll be prepared & bring something else. (For example Reid's Nana always has a burger on hand if we're having seafood.)
5. Restaurants were a nightmare for us. The noise, crowd & smell usually had him pretty upset within 15 minutes. If you can't avoid it ask the parents if there is a place that's the most agreeable. For instance, Reid dislikes seafood. BUT Jolee's was least offensive to him & had TVs he could watch. Win/win.
6. A huge one for us is time. If you say we're eating at noon please do everything in your power to be on time. Most Aspies have a schedule & although a few minutes is not an issue, being hours off throws our whole day out of whack. Again, Reid is older now so that is much better. But when he was younger it was VERY difficult. Often it would start the downward spiral because once you tell an Aspie something GOOD LUCK changing plans.

By far the most important thing you can do is educate yourself & family. It shows you care & are being supportive. I do not believe the red carpet should be laid out for us. But I do know that small things make a huge difference.

What's the point?

There are several reasons why I thought of starting a blog exclusively devoted to Asperger. Of course having an Aspie is important. Also, I get questions almost daily about Asperger's, Reid, this child, that child, what is it, what's normal, etc. The number one reason though, is because we navigated these waters solo several years ago. We started from scratch. Autism was just beginning to become a well known topic & Asperger was it's long lost relative no one knew about. Once I was even accused of making it up to allow my son to act like a "brat". Fast forward years later & it's a common term but many people still have no clue what it is. So my first post is to give the definition. **Keep in mind that living up to it's name as a spectrum disorder, degrees of behavior & issues will vary greatly.**

Asperger's Syndrome:
Dr Hans Asperger, an Austrian pediatrician, originally described Asperger’s Syndrome in 1944. Asperger's syndrome is a developmental disorder that affects a person's ability to socialize and communicate effectively with others. Children with Asperger's syndrome typically exhibit social awkwardness and an all-absorbing interest in specific topics. The disorder can also include motor clumsiness and problems with handwriting and being hypersensitive to specific auditory and tactile experiences.

So that's just a basic definition. It's such a complex syndrome & has many, many layers. Each one peeling back to reveal awesome, incredibly smart, authentic people that want & deserve understanding. If you're ever lucky enough to have an Aspie in your life, you're definitely in for some surprises. But the rewards & glimpses of genius you'll see far outweigh the hardships. They really are a group of fascinating individuals.